Trying to recall when I went wrong.

The eighties and part of the nineties I belonged pretty much body and soul to opera production.

Actually discovered MTV on a trip to LA because of opera and my mentor who was performing at the LA Olympics.

Gorged myself on MTV after that and loved how often they ran MJ.

Did not really tune into him until OTW. Went through multiple copies of Thriller. Liked BAD a lot especially the new attitude.

LOVED Dangerous. Thought (and still do think) it was the most interesting mix of styles and tunes I'd ever heard.Went wild for Ghosts, saw it multiple times when it first was telecast, and started collecting things from the film. (Not a usual thing for me...)

It meant something somehow. I didn't really know what exactly, but it tugged at me. And it was really well done.

After that, I went into a new life - went into business for myself - then got sucked into high tech by a client and worked 12 hrs a day, seven days a week for several years trying to make a lot of money. I did, and lost it all again when various start-up companies didn't start up. Somewhere in there I lost touch with music almost entirely, which is just a terrible thing when I think back and wonder how that could even happen. I have never bought crap magazines or followed the tabloid television stations nor had the slightest interest in celebrity gossip, so I really knew only what "mainstream" media chose to run about MJ, and I couldn't help but wonder why this guy couldn't seem to catch a break, and could he really be such a monster as they were making him out to be? But I wasn't curious enough to investigate for myself.

I had some really difficult times from 2001 to 2005, as did MJ of course, so I did hear the headlines and knew about the trial.

I have a very clear memory of the day the verdicts came in; having sold my boat and lived for a short time in temp housing, I was in process of moving back to Mountain View and had just looked at the apartment that some of you visited last August. When I heard "INNOCENT" I was in awe. My cynicism about the chances that a rich and famous black performer had to actually get a fair trial was washed away by a huge moment of truth and justice, really a watershed moment IMO. I was amazed and happy for him. Had no idea how devastated he had become or what had happened to his wonderful career because of all that bullshit. But he was free and alive and that was great. So I thought.

Missed Thriller 25. Did not hear HIStory or BOTDF or Invincible until after 6/25/09.

That Black Day (as Franci calls it) one of my technicians came in from the yard, stopped right in front of my desk and said "Hey, I just heard on the radio that Michael Jackson just died."

This was a surreal moment.

This is a guy I hardly ever spoke to for any reason, a young guy, early 20's.

Like OUT OF THE BLUE, he tells me this.

And I had never spoken about MJ or played his music at work, ever.

I stared at him for a few seconds trying to filter this statement and wondering why he would tell me this.

"No way," was my eventual less-than-brilliant response, and I immediately logged onto the Internet (like everybody else on the planet).

After a half hour of trying to find out if MJ was dead or alive and why in the HELL that suddenly mattered so much, I had the oddest feeling that something had shifted.

Time or space or something.

I went home that night and dug out the few pieces of music I had left. Cassette tapes, fer'heven's sakes! Unsatisfied, I went out the next day and started buying new CD copies.

First, Number Ones.

Then Dangerous.

Then OTW and Thriller.

Then the others, one by one, with HIStory being my last purchase.

The tears had already started.

And the insatiable desire to backtrack and find out everything there was to know about this man. Good, bad, ugly or indifferent, I needed to know.

Again I was mystified.

I felt so devastated myself, much more so than when I had lost family members and friends!

This was getting in much deeper somehow. Some hitherto unreachable part of me was leaking badly, like Chernobyl only wetter.

First daily, then multiple times a day.

I'd cry upon waking up.

I'd cry upon laying down to sleep.

And the music, whether new to me or wonderfully familiar, played endless loops in my head.

For months.

I honestly thought I had finally lost my marbles.

Did not have an inkling that I'd been touched by an angel.

Then one miraculous day, a random web search turned up the Michael Jackson Forum on Amazon.com...

I read the posts like I was starving and they were a gourmet buffet.

I wept even more knowing that I wasn't alone in these overwhelming and strange feelings. Crazy, surely, but not alone!

Didn't have the courage to post anything until almost six months later - posting in a chat room was so unlike anything in my universe, something only geeky people with no jobs or lives stayed up all night to do. LOL!

Then one day I said "hell with it" and posted a comment. YANA Girl and Aria were all over me in a nanosecond. But I survived and found my way to Theresa and Rebecca.

And the rest is HERstory! heh

I too feel terrible that I did not pay more attention. That I didn't care more. The world let go of his hand, even after he gave us everything he had.

I know he forgives us for that - so we need to forgive ourselves.

He's ours now and we're his.

What that means to each of us is the interesting part...